Friday, June 24, 2016

Ready?



This morning, I paid for an extra week of my medication, because I was set to run out 5 days before returning from Honduras.

That was the last task that absolutely had to get done before I could leave the country. Over the last week, I have gone to the eye doctor, gotten new glasses, registered my boys at their schools, weighed my suitcase multiple times, showed two people the basics of how I do my church media work so they can cover for me, and so many other tasks.

People keep asking if I am ready. Am I excited? Am I nervous?

Yes, yes, and yes. Also, no, no, and no.

Sometimes I feel nervous about little things and other times, I worry I miscalculated my expenses and will run out of money and cause everyone a big hassle. I worry about plane crashes, even though I love to fly. I consider how I could get lost in Tegucigalpa and how my stuff could get stolen and how I could get sick or break my glasses or forget to take my dramamine and puke on the bus. I worry this whole thing is a selfish adventure on my part, that I am doing this more for myself than anyone else, that I am hoping to find something there that I will never find.

But all of these worries are the kind that flit in and out of my brain. None of them have settled on me. None of them have gone from considerations to true fears.

There is a creature moving in my chest, but I don't know how to name him for you. For a moment, he looks like fear and then he trembles into excitement and shivers into confidence. He is alive and active and keeping me on my toes.

That is the best I can explain how I feel right now.

I am as ready as I am going to get, and the plane takes off in less than a week. I don't know how often I will post here. Sometimes, when I am smack dab in the middle of an experience, I cannot truly process it. The writing comes later. Other times, there are stories and thoughts I feel compelled to share immediately.

We shall see.

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