I am, once again, watching what I eat. I am trying to be aware of what I put into my body and how I use the energy that food generates. This sounds all lovely and spiritual and full of other such goodness, but mostly I want to be able to comfortably wear fitted t-shirts again. I am not above vanity.
So, I am counting calories on My Fitness Pal. It can be depressing, like today when I started to add butter to my baked sweet potato and realized it would add 70 calories. That's another 50 or so crunches. I don't enjoy doing crunches.
Yesterday, Jesus pulled one of his stunts. He does this to me fairly often, but not too often. If it happened daily, it would cease to be a novelty and I would learn to disregard the occurrence. Anywho, here's the deal:
I was really hungry, driving to Haydn's Thursday therapy group. I knew they would have food and I knew it wouldn't be healthy and I was hungry.
Did I mention I was hungry?
We pulled into the parking lot a little early and I decided I could snatch a few minutes to read in peace before going inside. I opened Help Thanks Wow by Anne Lamott and started right where I'd left off a few days prior, reading in a waiting room. This is what I read...
"...because the answer to your prayer is to remember that you're not hungry for food. You're hungry for peace of mind, for a memory. You're not hungry for cocoa butter. You're hungry for safety, for a moment when the net of life holds and there is an occasional sense of the world's benevolent order."
How's that for an all-knowing Savior? "Yes dear, I know you think you are hungry, but you're not, and you're just going to have to trust me on this one."
Food is often comfort to me. And I don't mean eating my sadness or anything, though I am also guilty of that. For me, food while I'm reading or working is proof of my life being cared for. I know we are doing okay because I am eating, and if we weren't doing okay, I wouldn't be eating. Food is proof of blessing, but I should not need to constantly hold that proof. Knowing that the food is in the cabinet and that I am not actually hungry but will have the food there when I am actually hungry... that needs to be enough.
Because I am not hungry for food.
I am hungry for sensory experience, and eating temporarily satisfies that. I am hungry for busyness and eating makes my hands feel they are doing something, not hanging idle. I am tricking myself with food, tricking my spirit into believing food is what it's hungry for.
I need to replace the not-hungry kind of eating with prayer, with writing, with my Bible and my friendships, with my husband and my children. These things are what I am really hungry for. They are my peace of mind, my best memories.
I am not hungry for food.
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