Sunday, January 22, 2012

Eight Fears

8 Fears

1. I fear being wrong - 100% in the wrong in front of people where I have adamantly insisted I am right. Honestly, this can be a good fear in some cases. It has often kept me from opening my mouth too soon. Since I am prone to intellectual/spiritual pride, I am pretty sure I need a good healthy dose of this humiliating fear to keep my mouth in check.

2. I feel afraid when I am home by myself at night and trying to sleep. This has gotten a lot better over the years, but I cannot shake it entirely. Sometimes I have to take a sleeping pill when Corey is out of town. As soon as I close my eyes, I hear every tiny sound and my heartbeat quickens. The cats have been helpful. Now, when I hear a sound, I say to myself, "It's only the cats."

3. I am afraid of spiders. Especially the trifecta of spiders: wolf, black widow, brown recluse. This isn't a fear I hope to get over. They are gross and dangerous and I see no need to not be afraid of them. However, I am not so afraid of regular spiders. At least, so long as they stay in their nice outside place and let me have my nice inside place.

4. I am afraid of never making it as a writer. Define "making it?" I am not really sure. I don't expect to win a pulitzer or even write the next series of Harry Potter-esque books. I'd like to make a little money as a writer, enough to contribute to the running of our household on a more regular basis. I would like to publish children's books. I would like to be published as a poet widely enough for my name to be known. I don't need to be a name everyone knows, but I'd like people outside of my family and friends to perhaps have heard of me.

5. I am terrified of math classes. I am not joking. At. All. Math classes bring me to tears.

6. I am afraid of being seen as unimportant, annoying, silly, shallow, self-righteous, a burden and a bother. In other words, I worry way too much about what others think.

7. Crowds. Well, fear is probably not the best word. I just don't like them. When a group grows too large or rowdy, my heart rate speeds up and I want to hide. Ironically, I don't have stage fright. I love being in front of people, but I don't like being surrounded by people. I suppose the difference is a sense of control. I'm not sure.

8. I fear being exposed as a fraud. In my worst moments, I am lazy and selfish and I am not a good example of Christian/Mother/Wife/Woman. I fear those being the only moments that matter in the end.

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