Sunday, June 6, 2010

Three Years: Natalie Rose

"Hope.... sometimes it is blinding like the spring sunshine. Sometimes it is a gentle warmth that comes with kind words. Sometimes it washes over you like waves in the ocean and sometimes it just envelopes you slowly. Sometimes it is like water in a dry land, but it is there if you look for it." --Nattie Rose York
December 15, 1973 - June 7, 2007

Three years.  How is that even possible?

I am reading Lord of the Rings and thinking of her Hobbit House.

I somehow survived Haydn starting kindergarten the year after Natalie passed.  I had so counted on her helping me through that year.  We have similar oldest children. Every single time I sat, crying, trying to figure out how to make it work, that year, I thought of Natalie.  

My toes are sparkly purple.  I mixed my three favorite shades from the cabinet to make one pretty glittery color in her honor.  My tiara will come out of storage in the morning.  I will enjoy my Diet Coke, on the road to Alabama.  Funny, I always hated Diet Coke.  Sometime after Nat died, however, it became my drink of choice.  Now, I seldom go a day without it.  

Last year's post was better. You can read it here: Dear Natalie.

Nat died on Cheri's birthday.  But, ya know what, m'dear?  I would trade you.  I would give just about anything to share a day with Natalie.  Any day.  Perhaps, for your birthday, you get her back.  Every year, she is with you.

Life is different since losing her.  Or, perhaps, I am different and life has not changed at all.  I let go of a lot in the two years following her death.  The first year was awful.  Corey was ready to force me into therapy.  But, the second year brought a lot of healing.  I have learned to think of what is important by looking at it in light of my eventual departure.  Will it matter, when I am dead, that I have not yet finished college?  That the majority of my publication credits are small journals and not the New Yorker? Or, is it more important that I am a student of life.  I learn.  I love to learn.  And I teach whenever I can.  I like to share the things I have a passion for.  I write.  I write everyday.  And I share what I write, one way or another.  

Natalie taught me to let go.

Thanks babe.



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