Monday, January 18, 2010

Ramblings that Turn into Something More

A long weekend full of miracles.
Andi opened her eyes.
Leila's Aunt Mimi was pulled from the Caribbean Market.
She is alive and being taken to Miami.
The boys are watching Jungle Junction.
Is it just me or is there a Star of David in this show?
That is pretty cool.
The "Wheelers" are actually from Baum's Oz books.
They weren't very nice creatures.
The kids are out of school today. 
I am thinking of going on a "writer's date."
I feel like walking downtown and maybe doing some writing.
I am looking forward to Mystics tomorrow.
We are talking about St John of the Cross.
Did I mention that Andi opened her eyes?
And Aunt Mimi is alive?
2010 is the Year of Trust.
We are just over 2 weeks in and God is already rocking it.
Not what I expected though.
I need to reread Hosea this week.
Jen brought the book up in reference to a situation.
A situation that will require lots of trusting God.
After losing Natalie, I found it hard to pray for miracles.
Faith has always been one of my Spiritual Gifts on those tests.
I took one this week.
Faith had dropped to the 5th spot.
It has never been about doubting His existence,
or even His plan to bring us hope and a future.
It's about doubting my knowledge of Him.
It was about doubting that I could predict Him.
And I can't predict Him.
At all.
Hence my verse for the year...
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18

That is where my struggle has fallen. I have always felt you should pray with expectation. If you pray for rain, prepare the fields. But, when Natalie died, I wondered about that. When Uncle Greg got sick, I did not doubt God could heal him. Of course God could heal him. I doubted He WOULD heal him.

And He didn't.

I told Leila I wasn't sure how to pray for miracles anymore. It was standing at Andi's bedside that made me start believing again. I could feel God in her room. And when Leila called, something inside me knew that Mimi was alive. It felt scary to pray for her to be found. Because what if my feeling was wrong. How would I feel if God didn't do this thing... this miracle.

I still don't know how to predict God. But I am learning to trust my intuition. You see, when Nat got sick, I never felt like she would live. I have never said that here. Everyone was praying for a miracle. I felt sure she was leaving us. I felt like this meant I had no faith. I had the same experience with Uncle Greg. I am seeing now that it wasn't a lack of faith. I still knew what God COULD do. I just did not feel Him saying He was GOING to do it.

With Andi, when Corey was praying over her, I kept my eyes open. I watched her face. And as her eyes twitched, I KNEW she would open them.  And she has.  It was never my faith in God that was unstable.  It was my faith in myself.  I don't need to PREDICT what God will do.  I just need to trust Him.  When He does speak to me, I need to trust what He says.  And, if He is silent, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with my faith.  It is just time to be still and know that He is God, know that what He chooses to do is best. His silence is a call for me to trust Him.

It all boils down to trust.

Welcome to 2010.

1 comment:

  1. Mmmm...

    just listening.

    So nice to have you at the party tonight. :)


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