In Memory of Natalie

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Horse Dreams on Middle Places

I ride horses when I’m sleeping…

Horseback riding is one of those things I always wanted to do but never could. As a little girl, my best friend would get off our bus at a horse farm and take vaulting lessons once a week. I watched longingly from the window as she walked toward the barns. Sometimes I went with her and sat to the side, watching but never allowed to participate. My family couldn’t afford for me to ride horses. Once, my friend’s family took me with them on a trail ride at the YMCA and it is one of my favorite memories in the world.

When I think of happiness and freedom, I think of riding a horse.

When we first moved to Tupelo, we were renters, on the lookout for a home to buy. I fell in love with a specific house that I drove past daily. It was out of our price range, but I couldn’t shake my need for it.

Why did I love that house so much?

It backed up to a horse farm.

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Wednesday, April 15, 2015


I wake up slow, dreams lingering, whether good 
or dark or strange, they hold 
my arms and whisper. I wake up slow 
and stumble through routine, because routine 
is another kind of medication for me, 
an antidepressant that doesn’t come inside 
orange bottles. I have to want it. 

Breakfast. Meds. Reading something spiritual and then 
there is coffee and the kids are gone to school and the house 
is quiet for a while. I am slow though - 
slow to get started. 

Dishes rinsed and in the dishwasher, and the coffee 
drips into the cup and 
should I pack boxes or work on a project? 
I have an essay due and the floor needs to be mopped. 

Up the hill of the day until 
the school bell rings and the kids come home, 
and I am tense, trying to balance one son’s moods and 
the other’s exuberance with my own 
exposed nerves, no pills entirely shielding 
me from this. 

I ride the wave, 
and the black water swirls 
so slow, 
no hurricane today, 
just a bathtub draining. 

Back down the hill, I am Sisyphus, 
until the sun sets and the clock blinks an okay time 
to sleep. 

I fall into the fresh cleaned sheets 
and vivid dreams... 

fall slow.


I'm needing a jumpstart and a poet friend, Shaindel, mentioned these Poem-A-Day prompts for April. This one was to write a poem about an adjective.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Currently: A Bright Cold Day

Current Books: I read Love Letters to the Dead this week, and it was so good. So. So. So. Good. I'm having a lot of trouble focusing on reading lately, for various reasons, so I keep starting books and abandoning them. This is out of the ordinary for me, and I hope it goes away soon. I am reading Wild Awake by Hilary T. Smith and listening to the audio of The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater. I'm hooked on both, so I should be able to focus and finish them.

Current Playlist: Audio books and podcasts. I started listening to the Happier podcast and love it. I just wish I could figure out why the podcast app cuts off the ends of most of the podcasts I download.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Binge-watching 30 Rock while doing laundry and computer work.

Current Colors: Dark teal and orange

Current Food: Ben & Jerry's strawberry cheesecake ice cream

Current Drink: Coffee with dulce de leche creamer

Current Favorite Favorite: It was a long weekend full of heavy stuff, and my sweet kitty, The Doctor, seemed to sense that and cuddled with me a lot. So he is my favorite favorite right now.

Current Wishlist: New clothes for spring

Current Needs: Renovations on my house to be complete so our realtor can take photos and get it on the market

Current Triumph: I came through the hard weekend without totally losing it, so I call that a win.

Current Bane-of-my-Existence: Medication side effects

Current Indulgence: I am about to make a cup of coffee and sit with a book for a little while.

Current Mood: I feel good today. :)

Current Outfit: My 1984 sweatshirt from Out of Print Clothing, dark jeans, sneakers, and bookworm Jamberry wraps on my nails

Current #1 Blessing: My husband. He has been painting and doing yard work non-stop to get this house ready to sale.

Current Quote: “My words are unerring tools of destruction, and I’ve come unequipped with the ability to disarm them.” ― Maggie Stiefvater

Current Photo:

Title taken from: “It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.” -George Orwell, 1984

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

My Boat is Shrinking

I shared a bit about mental illness over on Middle Places earlier this week. It has been on my mind a lot lately for so many reasons. Some of those reasons were discussed in the previous post (writing mental illness authentically in fiction) and some aren't mine to share. But one of those reasons is myself and my medication. Knowing when a medication has stopped working, or is not working as well, can be difficult.

You mean it's not as simple as finding a med that works and then taking it everyday and TA DA! All better?


I think of my medication as a boat.

Depression, in my life, is a raging river. It will drown me if I let it. Most people have emotional rivers, and sometimes those rivers rage. Sometimes they are calm. My river is forever in the rapids.

A medication that works is a boat. It doesn't take me off the river, but it lets me live my life. I can still feel the rhythm of the water underneath me.

A good medication isn't a big boat. We aren't talking a cruise ship, where I sip margaritas and read and everything is rainbows and chocolates on my pillow. That isn't reality. I need a boat big enough to protect me but small enough that I am still connected to myself.

A medication that isn't working as well becomes a life raft. I'm not drowning, but I am a little too close to those rapids for my mental health to remain stable. I have to hold on tight and be alert.

If I act then... talk to my doctor, take care of myself, etc... I can climb back into the bigger boat. If I don't act... if I try to ignore my situation, I will find my life raft shrinking. Eventually, I am bobbing down the river in a life vest, trying to keep my head above water.

Lately, I've noticed my boat shrinking. It's not quite down to a life raft yet. I'm in a canoe maybe. I'm gripping my oar and trusting other people to paddle with me.

There are all sorts of boats. All sorts of treatments. The same options don't work for everyone and they don't work forever.

I was just thinking of all of this and thought I would share. I got such a positive response when I wrote about mental illness before. Who knows... maybe someone will read this and realize they are drowning.

If that is you, please ask for help. Reach out, friend. Let someone pull you into the boat.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Mental Illness on Middle Places

I was a little girl, no more than ten years old, maybe younger. I was upset, riding home from the pool with a friend and her grandmother. What had upset me? I can’t recall. I just remember being overwhelmed and confused. Something was going on inside my head, and I didn’t understand it. 

My friend’s grandmother went inside a gas station and left us in the car. I tried to explain my feelings to my friend, but she didn’t get it. I was crying, sitting on the floorboard of the car, looking up at my perfectly normal friend. Why couldn’t I make her understand? 

I thought hard about how I was feeling. I felt sick, but not sick to my stomach. I didn’t have a cold or anything like that. I wasn’t in physical pain, but I hurt. I felt sick inside my head, and I was a kid with a sizable vocabulary. I could use the word ill instead of the word sick and not think twice about it. I also knew that things dealing with the brain were labeled “mental.” 

I told my friend I was mentally ill. 

Her reaction was less than pleasant.

Continue reading on Middle Places

Monday, March 16, 2015

Fan-Girling on Middle Places

I believe in fangirl-ing.

I do.

Here’s the deal: When someone inspires you, you should tell them. Tell them face-to-face or write them a letter or send an email or skywrite it with an airplane above their house. I don’t care how you tell them. Just tell them. We need to know when we inspire one another.

God uses people to help people. Often Person-A never even knows God used them to help Person-B. And then, one day, Person-A may be feeling really down. They may be feeling worthless. They may feel like nothing they have done really matters.

That’s when it helps to hear from Person-B.

I tell you this coming off a weekend where I totally fangirl-ed.


Thursday, March 5, 2015

Currently: Forward March

Current Books: I just finished The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd, and it was a wonderful read. I love novels inspired by true stories. I also just finished a beautiful volume of poetry, Oblation by Rachel M. Srubas. Corey bought me a copy of Breaking Old Rhythms by Amena Brown and I started a review copy of Unabrow by Una LaMarche. I started A Visit from the Good Squad, but I wasn't getting into it. When Unabrow arrived in my mailbox, I abandoned Goon. I need to read a Pulitzer book for my reading challenge, but I will have to pick another one.

Current Playlist: 90s hip-hop/R&B lately

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: Eating Townhouse crackers straight out of the box.

Current Colors: the orangey red of poppies

Current Food: Pumpkin Spice gelato

Current Drink: Coffee out of my poppy Tervis

Current Favorite Favorite: My mother-in-law and father-in-law. They are taking my kids for a week. Can you hear the angels singing?

Current Wishlist: To raise the $1500 needed to build a house in Honduras in Natalie's memory. We are almost 1/3 of the way there.

Current Needs: I need my husband's travel schedule to lighten up.

Current Triumph: Completing this round of edits on my manuscript

Current Bane-of-my-Existence: Distance

Current Indulgence: Binge watching Friends on Netflix

Current Mood: Happy

Current Outfit: Wonder Woman onesie... it's another snow day.

Current #1 Blessing: My husband. He spoils me.

Current Quote: I have some friends going through some hard stuff, making hard decisions, and this line jumped out at me as I read, “I’d chosen the regret I could live with best, that’s all.” ― Sue Monk Kidd, The Invention of Wings

Current Photo:


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